So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
