take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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