you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
