I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
