yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
