I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
dude. I can hear the air.
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