Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Is Oprah even human
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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