i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I want to fling myself into the sun
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
