I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
