can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
