Acid is not a monday night drug
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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