Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
