Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I AM VODKA MAN
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
