Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
