I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
