And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize