I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
