i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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