Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
