I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
