I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
