God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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