I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
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