The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
