whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
