Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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