If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Randomize
