i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
