I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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