trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
