I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
