I wish my penis had an off switch
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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