ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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