I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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