My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
