Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We are all done wearing pants today
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
