Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Randomize
