Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
