I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
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I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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