K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
