Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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