If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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