i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
