This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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