Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
