Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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