I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
