I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
