i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
