the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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