So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
