A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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