Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
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Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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