Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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