please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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