you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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