I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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