my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
