i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
