Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
