the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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