It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
