am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
This baby is an asshole
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
