I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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